I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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