Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
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HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
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Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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