I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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