I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
