Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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