foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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