I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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