Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
