I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She's the barista slut.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
