Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
