I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
