So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
