Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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