i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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