true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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