my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
True college students do jello shots in the library
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