I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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