it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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