She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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