please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
This is my gift to your gina
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
