I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
