and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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