He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
two words: eviction party
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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