trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
