I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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