I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
