i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
