Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
