Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize