dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
