i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
