I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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