Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
