you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
