Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
