Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
