He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
