Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
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I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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