Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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