I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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