The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
