Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Every concussion has its silver lining
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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