there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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