I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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