i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
