Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
