She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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