We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
