I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
