Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
