he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
