I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
