I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
