I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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