i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
