found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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