i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
